Post by Indigo on Nov 13, 2017 2:03:10 GMT
I don't know where things went wrong. I've posted here before about a friend of a lifetime I made. The reason I changed my name to Indigo despite how locked I was on Claxus before. This person who made me feel better about myself, gave me hope and confidence.
They were the first person I ever watched anime with. They suggested we should try watching Mirai Nikki/Future Diary, so that's what we did. It was a really nice experience together.
Mirai Nikki - Here With You
In some ways, it was very relatable. But that's not really what this is about.
This friend, I couldn't have really asked for a better one. They were always kind to me, supporting, you know, they seriously said I should go live with them and would help me do so. They always said I could rely on them (not that I like to rely...), that they'd always be my friend (though, who doesn't say that). We played stuff all the time, got along nearly flawlessly... They did all kinds of things for me, and aside from friendly teasing, always completely nice and easy to talk to.
But over time, they did some things that really hurt me, that were unexpectedly cold. But that was okay, no one's perfect, and they were still always a close friend. Even more later, one day they suddenly dumped a truth on me that they had been lying about who they are. That was really hard to accept for a few months. They didn't try to offer any consolation for it, they even talked me down when I tried to talk about having a hard time with it, saying that who they are doesn't change our relationship, and that I should get over it. It was harsh, and because of my respect for them, I believed they were right. Logically, they were right. So I tried my best to forget about it and continue on. I guess at some point I was able to more or less move on, though even now, I still miss the days before that. Right now, I can say they have no right to treat me the way they did for having a hard time accepting the truth of their lies.
Right now... I miss that person from before. We've still been friends. Still talk every day, still play all the time. But things have slowly changed more and more. They're not really nice to me anymore. Rather than praise and encouragement, all they ever do is tease and laugh at my failings, say that I suck, and whatnot. I don't think it's entirely meant, friends tend to be rough on each other jokingly. But that's not who they were to me. I can take the jokes, but it all piles on, and now it just makes me feel bad every time, because I'm no longer of that value to them as before, where they held me with high regards.
It's not just that. They've become increasingly hard to talk to. For a while now, I'm always wary about how to talk to them, because it doesn't feel like they care much about anything I say. Usually just get a "cool" when I try to bring up a subject, or if not that, they just say whatever I'm talking about sucks. They usually get upset if I try to talk about anything serious. Back then, we were deciding on our second anime to watch. They hated Persona. But with a little urging, I got them to watch Persona 4 with me. In the end, they fell in love with the series. They never have given things a chance like that for me again, most of what I like just sucks to them, and they don't care, and that's it.
I said we still talk and play stuff. Well, that's wrong. The last few weeks, it's gotten exceptionally bad. They kept snapping at me randomly in games. We'd just be talking and they randomly got upset and said they had no further interest in talking to me. I pretty much dreaded interaction with them. Every single day, I somehow ended up making them upset, for no discernible reason. I don't know why they kept asking me to play all the time.
And about a week ago, my friend told me about upcoming content for the game we played at the time. I said it was cool, but that I didn't really like how it looks. They called me shallow. I asked why they had to call me shallow over preference... 'not like something because of looks is shallow'. I tried to say people prioritize different things, but they said they don't care what I prioritize, that it doesn't change the definition. I gave in and just said that I'm shallow because I am. They said I should try caring about things that actually matter, and that they won't talk to me again until I do.
They still haven't talked to me. This is the first time in the last two+ years that we haven't talked in more than 24 hours. And over something like that. It irritates me because they always insult things just because of looks, usually the things I like. They won't play any mech games just because of how mechs look. And they do this to me for saying something is not my preference. Obviously, there was just a point where they stopped caring about me. Time after time, I kept taking all these things they throw at me, forgiving them and moving on, because they're my friend. They've blatantly said they don't care about my feelings or what I think, but for some reason I always ignored things like these, taking them like a doormat, trying to be their friend.
I tried my best, but after that, it's finally sinking in. This person is completely different than the person I once knew. The plan was that I would be living with them by December 2015. I waited the next year. This year, they said it would be it for sure... still hasn't happened, look what's happening now instead.
This song makes me think of back then. It sounds cheesy (you may need some context from Mirai Nikki), but before, they had even said they would be my Yuno, figuratively. So I remember that sort of bond we had, watching it together and being happy and sad together... The incredible person I knew before things spiraled down after that lie about whoh they were. They changed my life for the better, and now at almost three years, I've been blindly devoted to them just taking everything, for things to turn out like they are now. I don't know if we're going to talk again.
But it really hurts... it really hurts when I think back. I remember this person and our amazing times together. I've been trying to be friends with that person despite so many obvious things going against it. But that's no longer who they are. They haven't been for almost two years. I really, really miss that person from 2015... the person who always made me happy and gave me hope, who broke me out of my shell. The person who praised and encouraged me all the time, that I always had the time of my life with. That person that was almost like the fictional, dream person, but in reality, to me. They're no longer real, they haven't been for a long time... not this person that has made me feel antagonized for a long time, and starting to ignore me simply because I didn't like an aesthetic. But that's the reality, and it's hard to accept, that person is simply an amazing but sad memory, a false memory that had me stringed along, that I've been believing in up until now for some reason, and I no longer have that person, more like someone closer to the opposite...
Like I was roped into becoming friends with someone that doesn't exist. That the irreplaceable times we had, the person I thought was with me those times in the games we played, were just a lie...
They were the first person I ever watched anime with. They suggested we should try watching Mirai Nikki/Future Diary, so that's what we did. It was a really nice experience together.
Mirai Nikki - Here With You
In some ways, it was very relatable. But that's not really what this is about.
This friend, I couldn't have really asked for a better one. They were always kind to me, supporting, you know, they seriously said I should go live with them and would help me do so. They always said I could rely on them (not that I like to rely...), that they'd always be my friend (though, who doesn't say that). We played stuff all the time, got along nearly flawlessly... They did all kinds of things for me, and aside from friendly teasing, always completely nice and easy to talk to.
But over time, they did some things that really hurt me, that were unexpectedly cold. But that was okay, no one's perfect, and they were still always a close friend. Even more later, one day they suddenly dumped a truth on me that they had been lying about who they are. That was really hard to accept for a few months. They didn't try to offer any consolation for it, they even talked me down when I tried to talk about having a hard time with it, saying that who they are doesn't change our relationship, and that I should get over it. It was harsh, and because of my respect for them, I believed they were right. Logically, they were right. So I tried my best to forget about it and continue on. I guess at some point I was able to more or less move on, though even now, I still miss the days before that. Right now, I can say they have no right to treat me the way they did for having a hard time accepting the truth of their lies.
Right now... I miss that person from before. We've still been friends. Still talk every day, still play all the time. But things have slowly changed more and more. They're not really nice to me anymore. Rather than praise and encouragement, all they ever do is tease and laugh at my failings, say that I suck, and whatnot. I don't think it's entirely meant, friends tend to be rough on each other jokingly. But that's not who they were to me. I can take the jokes, but it all piles on, and now it just makes me feel bad every time, because I'm no longer of that value to them as before, where they held me with high regards.
It's not just that. They've become increasingly hard to talk to. For a while now, I'm always wary about how to talk to them, because it doesn't feel like they care much about anything I say. Usually just get a "cool" when I try to bring up a subject, or if not that, they just say whatever I'm talking about sucks. They usually get upset if I try to talk about anything serious. Back then, we were deciding on our second anime to watch. They hated Persona. But with a little urging, I got them to watch Persona 4 with me. In the end, they fell in love with the series. They never have given things a chance like that for me again, most of what I like just sucks to them, and they don't care, and that's it.
I said we still talk and play stuff. Well, that's wrong. The last few weeks, it's gotten exceptionally bad. They kept snapping at me randomly in games. We'd just be talking and they randomly got upset and said they had no further interest in talking to me. I pretty much dreaded interaction with them. Every single day, I somehow ended up making them upset, for no discernible reason. I don't know why they kept asking me to play all the time.
And about a week ago, my friend told me about upcoming content for the game we played at the time. I said it was cool, but that I didn't really like how it looks. They called me shallow. I asked why they had to call me shallow over preference... 'not like something because of looks is shallow'. I tried to say people prioritize different things, but they said they don't care what I prioritize, that it doesn't change the definition. I gave in and just said that I'm shallow because I am. They said I should try caring about things that actually matter, and that they won't talk to me again until I do.
They still haven't talked to me. This is the first time in the last two+ years that we haven't talked in more than 24 hours. And over something like that. It irritates me because they always insult things just because of looks, usually the things I like. They won't play any mech games just because of how mechs look. And they do this to me for saying something is not my preference. Obviously, there was just a point where they stopped caring about me. Time after time, I kept taking all these things they throw at me, forgiving them and moving on, because they're my friend. They've blatantly said they don't care about my feelings or what I think, but for some reason I always ignored things like these, taking them like a doormat, trying to be their friend.
I tried my best, but after that, it's finally sinking in. This person is completely different than the person I once knew. The plan was that I would be living with them by December 2015. I waited the next year. This year, they said it would be it for sure... still hasn't happened, look what's happening now instead.
This song makes me think of back then. It sounds cheesy (you may need some context from Mirai Nikki), but before, they had even said they would be my Yuno, figuratively. So I remember that sort of bond we had, watching it together and being happy and sad together... The incredible person I knew before things spiraled down after that lie about whoh they were. They changed my life for the better, and now at almost three years, I've been blindly devoted to them just taking everything, for things to turn out like they are now. I don't know if we're going to talk again.
But it really hurts... it really hurts when I think back. I remember this person and our amazing times together. I've been trying to be friends with that person despite so many obvious things going against it. But that's no longer who they are. They haven't been for almost two years. I really, really miss that person from 2015... the person who always made me happy and gave me hope, who broke me out of my shell. The person who praised and encouraged me all the time, that I always had the time of my life with. That person that was almost like the fictional, dream person, but in reality, to me. They're no longer real, they haven't been for a long time... not this person that has made me feel antagonized for a long time, and starting to ignore me simply because I didn't like an aesthetic. But that's the reality, and it's hard to accept, that person is simply an amazing but sad memory, a false memory that had me stringed along, that I've been believing in up until now for some reason, and I no longer have that person, more like someone closer to the opposite...
Like I was roped into becoming friends with someone that doesn't exist. That the irreplaceable times we had, the person I thought was with me those times in the games we played, were just a lie...
