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Post by Ultima Atulos Maxim on Jun 2, 2015 21:36:23 GMT
This is a freehand poem/short story type thing that I typed up for Jackie a while back. I was depressed at the time, and I don't know how much of that transferred into the poem itself, but this is it.
A tetsujin shrouded in darkness, a guardian of none.
His only love is the the only light that he can see,
A lone angel with broken wings.
He lovingly attempts to mend the angel's wings,
To see her fly again.
However, he is saddened, as he is afraid that,
Once her wings are healed, she'll fly away,
And that he'll be once more in the shadows.
One day, the tetsujin asks the angel,
"Would you ever leave me?"
The angel replies, "Of course not,
After all, you are mending my wings."
The tetsujin falls silent after this,
Knowing that the angel is grateful.
However, he still feels troubled,
As he doesn't know what will happen,
Once the angel recovers her wings.
Will she fly slowly, and guide the tetsujin?
Or, will she leave the tetsujin behind,
Forever doomed to wander in darkness?
Only time will tell...
You can very easily tell who is who in this. I didn't really hide it at all. Jackie said that she liked it, but I think that that was just so I would feel better. Anyways, UFF made fun of it, and turned the closing line into one of their forum memes, so let's see what GFF has to say about it.
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Post by Stove on Jun 2, 2015 22:02:54 GMT
Your meter is a bit sloppy, but I can appreciate the emotion behind it.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 3, 2015 1:52:55 GMT
It's not abstract enough, makes me wonder what the point of the metaphors are to begin with- there's probably a good way you can expand this when in a clearer state of mind. Can't say I'm fond of the gratuitous Japanese either.
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Post by Rikuseroth on Jun 3, 2015 4:20:05 GMT
With no rhythm or rhyme,
This can't truly shine,
But that's just how high is my
Opinion of rhythm and rhyme.
Well, it's got good emotion behind it, and a good tale, but it lacks both rhythm and/or rhyme. You can get a rhythm to it, making it artistically beautiful, but without it, certain lines seem like they're lacking. A rhyme could solve that, like my short poem above, and rhyme is an easy way to establish a rhythm, but it's not always necessary, as that can cause lines to seem too forced. I also didn't like the use of Tetsujin. I don't believe it fits. Maybe if the poem was in Japanese, but I don't know Japanese, so I can't really say.
Anyways, those are my thoughts on it. Keep writing, and you'll improve in time. Check out some of my poems in the poetry thread. There are some good ones, some bad. You can see my growth as a poet. I would honestly say DarkvsLight is my best, but that's just me. Anyways, enough promoting myself. I believe you can improve in ways I can't, so I encourage you to continue down this lone path of poetry we both walk, each a separate path, though both lead to the same place.
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Post by Ultima Atulos Maxim on Jun 3, 2015 5:27:54 GMT
Eh, I really don't actually have much interest for poetry. Again, I wrote this while I was depressed. For some reason, I speak super poetically when I'm serious about something. Jackie said that she likes light poetry, and I need to ask her a question, so... I decided to make the question into a free verse poem. They're the only ones I can do all that well.
Also, given the subject, Tetsujin is there for a reason. Me and Jackie RP a lot. Her character is some derivative of an angel, mine is usually some sort of cyborg/android/humanoid robot, AKA, a tetsujin(which means "iron man". No, not that guy.  ). This is why I used tetsujin as my word of choice. It's perfectly non-specific. Also, no, this has nothing to do with SMD. I separated myself enough from problems with Jackie so that it wouldn't affect the RP. But, that is a story for a different thread.
I've read your poems, Riku. A lot of them are pretty good. I hope you go far as a poet. But, like I said, I've no interest for poetry. It's nice to read sometimes, but I'm no good at writing it. |
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Post by Stove on Jun 3, 2015 11:58:41 GMT
Eh, I really don't actually have much interest for poetry. Again, I wrote this while I was depressed. For some reason, I speak super poetically when I'm serious about something. Jackie said that she likes light poetry, and I need to ask her a question, so... I decided to make the question into a free verse poem. They're the only ones I can do all that well.
Also, given the subject, Tetsujin is there for a reason. Me and Jackie RP a lot. Her character is some derivative of an angel, mine is usually some sort of cyborg/android/humanoid robot, AKA, a tetsujin(which means "iron man". No, not that guy. ). This is why I used tetsujin as my word of choice. It's perfectly non-specific. Also, no, this has nothing to do with SMD. I separated myself enough from problems with Jackie so that it wouldn't affect the RP. But, that is a story for a different thread.
I've read your poems, Riku. A lot of them are pretty good. I hope you go far as a poet. But, like I said, I've no interest for poetry. It's nice to read sometimes, but I'm no good at writing it. Omg he's casul poet kick him out. I don't think he even does MLGpoem, gosh wut a skrub git gud. WHERE MA DORITOS AND MOUNTAIN DEW |
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Post by Ultima Atulos Maxim on Jun 6, 2015 6:36:33 GMT
*tips fedora* Nice meme.
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Post by Indigo on Jun 6, 2015 7:03:38 GMT
Oh, this... Sadly, I agree with the others. It's not bad in any way, but it's more of an anecdote than a poem.
But, the answer is, the angel stays.
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Post by Ultima Atulos Maxim on Jun 6, 2015 8:09:56 GMT
...Like I said. Only time will tell.
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Post by Stove on Jun 6, 2015 16:54:49 GMT
*Blares a MLG horn in your face* THANKS. |
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Post by Ultima Atulos Maxim on Jun 7, 2015 0:24:04 GMT
*asks mom to get the camera* Welcome.
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). This is why I used tetsujin as my word of choice. It's perfectly non-specific. Also, no, this has nothing to do with SMD. I separated myself enough from problems with Jackie so that it wouldn't affect the RP. But, that is a story for a different thread.
